Dad : How were your exam questions Ben? Ben : Fine - but I had difficulty with the answers.

Richard : Would you punish a boy for something he didn't do? Teacher : Of course not. Richard : That's good, I haven't done my homework.

My uncle has 500 men under him. He must be very important. Not really - he's a maintenance man in a cemetery.

Do you know the one about the cornflakes and the rice krispies who had a fight? I can only tell you a little at a time as it's a serial.

Big brother (to shop assistant) : My mother would like a dozen nappies for the new baby. Assistant : Here we are. That will be three pounds for the nappies, and 75 pence for the tax. Big brother : don't bother about the tacks. My mother uses safety pins.

An American visisting London saw a restaurant which claimed they could supply any dish requested. So he asked the waiter for kangaroo on toast. After a while the waiter came back and said, " I 'am so sorry, sir, but we've run out of bread."

Customer : I'd like to try that dress in the window. Assistant : I'am sorry, madam, I'am afraid you'll have to use the fitting room, like everybody else.

Customer to Bank Manager : How do I stand for £3,000 loan? Bank Manager : You don't - you grovel.

Barber : Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in? Customer : No Barber : Oh, then I must have cut your throat.

Susie : Mother, what was the name of the last station our train stopped at? Mother : I don't know - can't you see I'am reading? Susie : Well, it's too bad, because little Benny got off there.